Migraines bring on some of the most intense pain imaginable and with intense pain comes random thoughts... My life as it is today began with a headache last May. I had the worst migraine I have ever had, to the point I went to the ER because I was beginning to think I was having a stroke with the numbness in my fingers and the blindness in my left eye, as well as the nausea and general feeling my brain is going to burst right out of my skull. When you think you may be dieing, truly dieing.. At least for me, you reassess your entire life... things that are important, things you are going to miss out on, things you never resolved, never got to experience, the people in your life and those relationships and its effects on who you are. Even though it turned out to be just a headache, all those thoughts were still with me. All these thoughts were things I have thought over time, but the intensity of having them all crammed full force in in a 3 hour period mixed with agonizing pain was the catalyst in my decisions over this past year. I finally followed through with changing the ongoing situation I was living in, I started looking into things that make me happy, that I had been interested in but didn't have the time to do anything with because I was to involved in trying to make other people happy.. which never worked.
And over these past 10 months.. It has been so incredible hard, yet oddly fulfilling. I went from complete instability within my soul, to feeling like a broken person, to feeling like I completely lost myself. All the while everyday got so much harder.. I cried, was angry, was sad.. but I sucked it up and kept on moving forward... and eventually amidst the sadness, I smiled again, laughed again, started to sing my silly songs again.. until one day I looked up and realized I felt like me again.. well, almost. definitely different, but I am okay again and my life is headed in such a completely different direction its almost ridiculous and it sure isn't what I planned for myself, but I am generally happy and excited about the things I have going on in my life.
Two nights ago, I had another migraine, not as intense as the one last May, but still intense. And I think only I could find some kind of artistic/cosmic meaning in it.. It was as if that part of my life is over. I mean I am still adjusting, but the battle to remember who I was and let go of who I became and the life I tried to have and to reinvent myself into something I never knew I could be or even considered it.. was over. I know this might not make since if you don't know all the details.. But I think that anyone that has had a huge life change can understand what I am saying.
It is also sad yet interesting that a person that played a bigger part in my life last May has such a small role in my life now, as if maybe helping me with this transition was their only purpose for my life. which hurts a little, but it happens... And I am still okay and moving forward...
So I am off the England next week! :-) Maybe I'll get "unavoidably detained by the world" ~Stardust... awesome book
And over these past 10 months.. It has been so incredible hard, yet oddly fulfilling. I went from complete instability within my soul, to feeling like a broken person, to feeling like I completely lost myself. All the while everyday got so much harder.. I cried, was angry, was sad.. but I sucked it up and kept on moving forward... and eventually amidst the sadness, I smiled again, laughed again, started to sing my silly songs again.. until one day I looked up and realized I felt like me again.. well, almost. definitely different, but I am okay again and my life is headed in such a completely different direction its almost ridiculous and it sure isn't what I planned for myself, but I am generally happy and excited about the things I have going on in my life.
Two nights ago, I had another migraine, not as intense as the one last May, but still intense. And I think only I could find some kind of artistic/cosmic meaning in it.. It was as if that part of my life is over. I mean I am still adjusting, but the battle to remember who I was and let go of who I became and the life I tried to have and to reinvent myself into something I never knew I could be or even considered it.. was over. I know this might not make since if you don't know all the details.. But I think that anyone that has had a huge life change can understand what I am saying.
It is also sad yet interesting that a person that played a bigger part in my life last May has such a small role in my life now, as if maybe helping me with this transition was their only purpose for my life. which hurts a little, but it happens... And I am still okay and moving forward...
So I am off the England next week! :-) Maybe I'll get "unavoidably detained by the world" ~Stardust... awesome book
